Significant Moments in the Life of Kenny Rogers Reynolds, Aged 31

  • He is the only child of two only children who met at a Kenny Rogers concert.
  • He insisted on wearing a plain white t-shirt on his first day of kindergarten, and made it to the school without having to put on the blue and red flannel shirt his mother had picked out for him.
  • He won the fourth grade science fair for his invention of a cup that featured a detachable coaster.
  • He made his first appearance on television when he and three of his friends were interviewed by the local news after camping out for 30 hours to see the opening screening of The Phantom Menace.
  • He learned to speak fluent Italian while spending a year studying in Rome.
  • He made three unsuccessful attempts at building a time machine in hopes of traveling to the 1960‘s so that he might woo Anna Karina before she married Pierre Fabre.
  • He started a successful pop-up restaurant named Kenny Reynolds Roasters, which featured a menu focused on roasted vegetables.
  • He made his second appearance on television when volunteered to answer phones during a PBS telethon.
  • He didn’t talk with his parents for two years after engaging in a heated and protracted argument about his decision to stay single and childless, which his father called “wiping the Reynolds name from history.”
  • He took in a stray cat whom he named Crumbs.
  • He was named, at the age of 31, as a “Person to Watch” in the local free weekly newspaper, and he earned a lot of points around the city after the accompanying feature quoted him as responding to the question of “What’s the best piece of advice you have to give?” by saying, “Don’t watch me. Do something else”
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